I Choose You
by Jenye
Summary: Sometimes you just want to take it all back, rewind and change it, but reality is life doesn't work backwards and you just have to push forward.


**Author's Note: WARNING, LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE COMING YOUR WAY! **Okay, this is my first GG story but after falling in love with Dan/Blair (no flames, please) I felt inspired. I basically had Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away," "Not Like the Movies," and The Civil Wars' "Poison and Wine" on repeat while writing this. If you haven't listened to any of those songs DO IT NOW! I have to be honest with you; I really don't follow Gossip Girl religiously since the beginning, but I have been into it since season 4 (missing a few episodes here & there) so if I'm wrong on some details I apologize. The story is slightly AU timeline wise, but you'll see what I mean when you get into the story.

Please, tell me what think since this my first Gossip Girl story I would LOVE feedback. Okay, that wasn't as long as I thought. This story is NOT beta-ed so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

_Italics_ are flashbacks.

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><p><strong>Summary:<strong> Sometimes you just want to take it all back, rewind and change it, but reality is life doesn't work backwards you just have to push forward.

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><p><strong>I Choose You<strong>

The rain against the window mimicked the pressure she felt against her chest. The invisible restraint felt as though it had been there for days now and she knew the cause, even if she'd rather drink bleach than admit it to herself or anyone else. The occasional lightning flash was the only thing that lit up her features in the lavish room. The clock on her nightstand had read nearly three in the morning when the first thunder roll woke her with a start. She had tried to find sleep once again, curling up close to her husband, but with the mixture of her dream and the growing louder thunder rolls she was wide awake. She slowly removed herself from the tall, four-poster bed, grabbing her silk robe and removing herself from the room.

The walk through the lavish palace was usually something that pleased Blair Waldorf-Grimaldi; seeing all the grand decorations and the ever-present smell of fresh flowers made her smile, but walking through the palace in the dead of night was another story entirely. The hardwood was cold on her bare feet and the shadows that danced around her changed with every flash of lightning giving the effect that the house was actually alive.

'_You__'__ve__watched_ The Shining _one__too__many__times,__Waldorf_,' the familiar voice joked in her head as she tried to distract herself with finding one of her favorite rooms in her large home.

The library was nearly on the other end from their bedroom, but Blair knew the path so well by now that she could make the journey with her eyes closed. Her feet thanked her as soon as she stepped from the hardwood floors to the warmth of plush carpet of the library. The fresh flower smell was replaced with the delectable smell of old books that Blair insisted were worth their weight in gold and would make it a point to go into any used bookstore she came across. This was certainly Blair's domain and when she was having one her "days," as Louis so lovingly put it, she could usually be found in here reading a long lost favorite or watching a classic. She had picked out a couch that was both beautiful in looks and comfortable for long reading and movie binges. The library was her go-to location, the place where she would end up without even realizing she was heading in that direction.

This was her safe-haven now.

She finally pulled herself away from the large window and walked toward the vacant desk nearby to flick on the small lamp that cast the room in a light that was just bright enough for the brunette to read the titles of her beloved movies. She walked toward the bookcase that was dedicated to her eccentric, artistic, and everything classic collection. Her brown eyes scanned over them, hoping something would trigger emotions and pull her into a numbness that would remove the near screaming she felt coming from her past. That was when her stomach dropped and her hand automatically went to the worn case of an old favorite.

"Twelve years and three months," She mumbled to herself, she could feel the sting in her eyes as she remembered the last time she ever watched the movie.

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><p>"<em>It's a classic, Humphrey, out of all the people I know I figured you would respect it as such. Now scoot over and shut your mouth," Blair walked back to her spot on the couch from putting the movie in the DVD player.<em>

"_I do respect it, but we just watched it last week," Dan groaned, scooting over to the edge of the couch so Blair could have her spot in the middle, "Can't we give The Landlord or The Bishop's Wife a shot this week? How long has it been since we watched either of those?"_

"_The Bishop's Wife? You hate that movie," Blair glanced over at her friend as she tucked her legs up to the side so she was slightly leaning in his direction._

"_I can't hate anything Cary Grant has done – it's just not a favorite, but it was the first one that came to mind," Dan smirked._

"_Whatever, we'll watch Cary another night, but tonight I'm in the mood for some good ole Harry and Sally," Blair looked back at the television and lit up when she saw the beginning credits, "Now, shhh it's starting."_

_Dan didn't mean to glace at her when she hit his arm to stop their argument, but when he did he couldn't pull his eyes away. He loved the look on her face when she watched one of her favorite movies; her eyes lit up with new excitement like she had never seen the movie before and her attention was on nothing else besides the screen. Who would have thought that Blair Waldorf could ever forget the drama and scheming of the Upper East Side for even a moment let alone two good hours to watch a classic movie in Brooklyn? She was an enigma if he'd ever seen one. _

_The movie was just getting to the heart and Blair seemed to be on the edge of her seat just like the first time she had seen it. Dan, on the other hand, couldn't ignore the ache in his chest as the movie dragged on and on. How could she not see the parallels? Was she truly that clueless to him and how he felt? Sure, he had told her the kiss had meant nothing, but he had lied and he had been hoping she had too. Sitting through this torture twice since then was enough to make him realize she hadn't been lying. _

_He took in a deep breath and got up from the couch quickly, walking away and pulling Blair out of her movie-induced trance. She quickly looked from the movie to Dan as he headed for the front door, "Where are you going? We're just getting to the good part!"_

"_I need some air," Dan mumbled, grabbing his coat._

_Blair stood up just in time to hear the door slam as Dan Humphrey left his loft. Blair Waldorf was completely confused and left out in the cold for the first time since she could remember. She quickly grabbed her own petticoat and headed for the door as well. Dan had reached the cold and dark Brooklyn streets by the time Blair came out of his building, looking flustered and not like her usual put together self._

"_Humphrey, what the hell has gotten into you?" Blair called after him, trying her best to maneuver around the clumps of old snow that littered the walkway to catch up to him._

_Finally he stopped and spun around to face her, "It's too much, Blair. I can't do it anymore."_

_She looked shocked and slightly confused, "Um, okay, we can put in Cary Grant. I didn't realize it was such a hot topic for you."_

"_Damn it, it's not about Cary Grant," He shook his head when he realized she really was clueless as to what he was getting at, "I lied, Blair, I can't just be your friend. That kiss didn't mean nothing to me. It meant everything."_

_The silence was deafening and Blair felt as though her world was suddenly spinning around her. She had thought she was so ready to hear those words – was he a complete fool to think she really loved When Harry Met Sally that much? She had been hoping he would realize her message, but now that he had she found herself calming up and having her own doubts. She was engaged and Dan Humphrey and Blair Waldorf were meant to loath one another not have this epic romance she had been picturing ever since their kiss. This was just some childish crush or forbidden love. She really had been indulging herself in far too many romance classics lately._

_Dan's stomach was in knots as he looked at the girl in front of him. In a million years he never thought that he would be putting his heart on the line for Blair Waldorf. In fact, until they had started becoming friends he always figured Serena would be the next girl he'd give his heart to – again, but things were different now. Dan was about to use the silence to his advantage and stepped forward to make his move, but Blair jolted back as though he was holding a gun to her._

"_I – I have to go," Blair stuttered, "Don't call me. I'm engaged, Humphrey."_

_And with that abrupt statement, Blair Waldorf pushed past Dan Humphrey and for the first time she regretted her decision to walk away and prayed he would come after her._

_Once again, he didn't._

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><p>"Mrs. Grimaldi, breakfast is ready," A female voice startled her from her light sleep on the couch. She hadn't even realized she had fallen asleep while watching the movie, but when she opened her eyes the stormy night sky had cleared to bring about a sun-filled morning. She gave a cat-like stretch and looked at the woman standing in the doorway.<p>

"What time is it?" Blair's voice still sounded groggy with sleep.

"Almost eight o'clock, Mr. Grimaldi requested you have breakfast with him since he will not be home until much later tonight," The older woman gave a sweet smile toward the girl.

"Yes, tell him I'll be right there I just need to freshen up," Blair sat up and collected the mountain of tissues she had used prior to falling asleep to the movie that brought back such a harsh memory.

Nearly twenty minutes later, Blair was walking into the large dining room where her husband sat with his nose buried in the morning paper. She quietly took her seat next to him and began to grab some fruit, "Good morning."

"What happened to you last night?" Louis spoke to her, but still kept his eyes trained on the paper in front of him.

"I couldn't sleep so I went to watch some movies in the library," Blair spoke, taking a bite out of her apple slice, "Didn't you hear that awful storm last night? I'm surprised you didn't wake up."

"You know me, I sleep like a log," He shrugged, reaching out for his cup of coffee, "Do you have any plans today?"

Blair shook her head, "A fitting this afternoon for the dress I'll be wearing to the ball, I think I'll be getting on Skype to chat with S later tonight, but nothing extremely important."

Louis nodded, setting his paper down on the table and taking his napkin off his lap to wipe his mouth, "Well I'm going to be late tonight, I am meeting with officials most of the day and into the evening. I'll try to call you when I get a free moment."

He stood up from the table and leaned over to give her a quick kiss on the forehead, "I love you."

Blair looked up at him with a sweet, but sad, smile, "I love you too."

If Louis noticed he chose not to say anything and just buttoned his suit jacket and left the dining room. Blair watched as he disappeared and couldn't help but feel a sense of guilt. After last night it was so obvious what her problem was and Louis didn't deserve this. He was a good man and had always done right by her in every way that he could. They had their moments when he wouldn't trust her, but could she blame in him? Even after being married for nearly three years she still couldn't let go of everything in her past.

She sat at the dining room table for what seemed like hours before Matilda came in and began to pick up the remains from breakfast. Blair watched her in silence, moving away from her plate when she offered to take it from her. In the back of her mind, Blair knew these feelings would rise up again, but she had just hoped she would be far enough along in her new life that she would breeze past it as an immature crush and nothing more. She wasn't that far into her knew life just yet and the emotions nearly crushed her.

Finally she rose from the dining room table and made it back to her bedroom to get ready for the day. Her shower was refreshing and she stayed there until the water ran cool. Her routine was long by nature, but today seemed to take twice as long since she would catch herself staying off into space or she'd have to stop and try off the tears that ran down her cheeks. This was the first time she actually took the time to feel the regret from her decision that night. Up until the wedding day she had hoped that Dan would try to contact her, but that moment never came and after the 'I Dos' life seemed to speed up into one public appearance or political event after another. Blair loved those sorts of events, mostly because it meant she got to wear only the very best, but also because it was something to keep her busy. She had thrown herself into any duty a princess should have and found herself with hardly any free time to herself.

That stormy night had been years in the making and now she was dealing with the aftermath. She told herself it would be painful for a couple of days, but then she'd move on from it. Let bygones be bygones and move past it like she always did, but the ache never seemed to let up. In fact, when she talked to Serena that night, like they typically did once a week, the ache only seemed to grow when just by chance the blonde mentioned Dan getting ready to publish his second book, but this time it would under his own name and not Anonymous. Blair put on a happy face and told Serena to congratulate him for her, but inside she felt like her world was crumbling and she couldn't help but go back to the night she had finally sat down and read the book.

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><p><em>She dialed the same number for nearly the twentieth time that night. He wasn't picking up and she wasn't sure she could blame him. When she had first read the book she had been furious. It was so obvious to her who everyone was and all she could think about was how he was spreading lies about her. Sure, they had kissed, but the certainly hadn't slept together. How could he do that to her? She thought they had been friends, but a friend wouldn't do this. Okay, maybe a friend on the Upper East Side would do this, but not Dan. Blair had trusted him and this was how she got repaid. Dan was supposed to be different.<em>

_Then she reread it and it hit her like a tough of bricks. Sure, he may have said they slept together when they hadn't, but the way he wrote about it was not someone who was trying to be malicious. He was someone that was trying to get his feelings across in such a way that he wasn't putting himself out there. She chewed on her well-manicured fingernail, something she hardly ever did, and dialed his number for twenty-first time that evening. This time she was going to get up the courage to leave him a message. Even doing something that simple felt agonizingly hard. _

_After the final ring the familiar voicemail came over the phone and Blair took one more breath in, "Humphrey – Dan, it's me. I read your book. Please call me, we need to talk. I – I'm leaving for Monaco in the morning, but I'll have my phone with me all the time. Just call, okay?"_

_She closed her eyes when she hung up the phone, trying to fight back the sting of tears she felt behind them. Maybe he would call. She didn't sound angry in her voicemail and maybe that's what he was afraid of. He didn't want her to tell him off like everyone else had so know that he knew she just wanted to talk maybe he'd call. She tossed her phone onto her plush comforter and say down on the edge of her bed. She's not sure what time she finally fell asleep, but she woke up numerous times that night to see if she had a missed call and kept her phone in her lap the whole ride to the airport. _

_Dan Humphrey never called her back._

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><p>It had been three weeks, seven social events, one ball, and five conversations with Serena and Blair could not shake that storm cloud of an ache that followed her everywhere she went. Serena hadn't mentioned Dan since that night she told Blair about his upcoming release, but Blair found herself wishing she'd say something about him. Part of her wished she'd say that he had found himself a girlfriend, but then she realized just how much that would tear her apart inside. Louis had been nothing but wonderful, like he always was, and yet Blair continually found reasons to be away from him or in a terrible mood. She was being unreasonable and she knew it, but she couldn't shake it.<p>

That day she had packed a small suitcase, planning to head back to New York, but Louis had come home early and so she slid it in a place where she kept items of clothing she no longer wore. It was one of her more desperate moments and she knew her thought process was foolish, but she had even looked up his current address and after several phone calls and impersonations she was able to retrieve it. Brooklyn. She couldn't help the smile that came over her face. Brooklyn? He was now a well-established author who could easily afford the Upper East Side and he remained in Brooklyn.

Was she really going to go after him after all this time? In her weakest of moments she wouldn't even hesitate, but then she get a hold of herself and realize how foolish of a move it was almost three years later. What would she do when she got there? Tell him how prideful she had been for walking away from him and that she's loved him since that kiss. Sure, all of those things were true, but just because she was in love with him didn't mean she lost her sense of pride; just the very thought of putting herself out there like that made her feel sick.

She had been at her vanity getting ready for bed that night when the realization hit her; she wasn't happy. It may have been obvious to everyone around her, but the realization hit her like a kick to the stomach. When she had originally thought about how much she missed Dan she thought it was just her trying to regain something she couldn't have, but it was more than that. She wasn't just curious about what her and Dan might have had, but she was realizing this was not the life she imagined. She had married Louis because it matched perfectly into her plans and the money and attention were all she needed; her immaturity had lead her to believe that.

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><p>It was half past midnight when she stood up from her bed, turning around to see her sleeping husband still peaceful in bed. She took a deep breath and removed the rings from her finger and quietly sat them on the nightstand beside her. This was the cowardly way to run and she would certainly have to deal the repercussions later, but she just had to know what else was out there. She hoped Dan, but even if she went at it alone she needed know that she could. She had lived her life for a reputation up until this point and now it was her turn to see what she could do when she was just going after what <em>she<em> wanted.

She made the trip as discreetly as possible; traveling with shades on, even if it was at night, and not bothering to have anything besides a carry on. The flight was long and she went back and forth deciding if she was doing the right thing, but she had to realize she was doing what she wanted – rather it was going to back fire in her face or not was something she'd have to worry about later.

When the plane touched down she thought she would have a heart attack. She grabbed her bag from above her seat and left the plane and headed to call herself a cab. Her heart rate had not been normal since she walked out of her home back in Monaco, but if it was fast then it was getting close to the speed of light now that she was sitting in the back of New York City cab driving toward the very apartment that decided what her next move was going to be. It was nearing eight o'clock at night and her first thoughts were that he wouldn't be home. What if he wasn't there? Was she just going to sit on his stoop and wait for him to come back? God, what if a woman answered the door – in his shirt?

"Stop – stop the cab," Blair called out without thinking.

"But Miss, we're about a block away," The cab driver looked back at her with a confused look.

"That's okay, I'll walk the rest of the way," She shook her head and thought, '_Or__run__the__other__way._'

"Are you sure? It's raining pretty hard out there."

"Yes, that's okay," Blair nodded, looking out the window as the cab pulled over to the curb. She reached out and handed him her money before crawling out of the back with her purse and small suitcase, "Thank you."

The cab driver smiled, pointing in the direction of Dan's building, "There's your location, Miss. Good luck."

Blair wasn't sure what he meant by that, but she just nodded and started her slow walk toward the building. The rain was freezing, but it still didn't make her move any faster. What could be waiting behind that loft door could be much worse than a little rain. She took several deep breaths trying to calm her heart rate down as she reached Dan's building and walked up the steps. She was about to raise a shaking hand to ring the buzzer to his place when a woman came out of the building. Blair took the opportunity to slip in out of the rain and postpone what she figured was the enviable that much longer.

Her heels echoed up the stairs as she made it to the fourth floor and rounded the railing to face his door. Her whole body was shaking and even though she was dripping wet she knew it was more from nerves. She remained silent in front of his door for sometime until she heard what sounded like a television coming from behind the door. He was home. She should just go. She could call Serena. She had been afraid to turn on her cell phone since she landed in New York, but maybe now was a prime time. Serena was in the city; she could have a car come pick her up. She wouldn't have to do this.

"You got yourself into this," She mumbled, raising a shaking hand and pounding on the door.

The wait felt like an eternity as she stood there holding onto her suitcase with both hands. She heard rustling from behind the door and suddenly the dim hallway was light up by the lights spilling from Dan's loft. Blair's eyes shifted slightly at the sudden change in lighting, but she still managed to make eye contact with him. He looked older, slightly, and his hair was short again, but just long enough to keep the boyish curls he had the last time she saw him. He was everything that made her heart skip a beat.

"Blair," He looked stunned, but the evidence of a smile showed through his shock, "God, hi. What – what are you doing here?"

"I lied," Her voice was shaking as she repeated the same words he used the last night she saw him, "I lied all those years ago. That kiss meant everything to me too. I was just too scared to admit it."

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><p><strong>Final Author's Note:<strong> Should I do a sequel? Or do you like that it was left up to the reader to decide what happens? Let me know!


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